Kids Gemology

Kids Gemology:
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There has been a lot of cajoling and debating happening in our household to buy a new Barbie. Given the over 50+ collection that Nia has, its a strict no from my end at least to buy it considering they have been of no use so far lying in one shelf and to be dusted every fortnight. Here are some aggressive negotiation strategies being used.

Nia with a sullen look on her face walks up to me. "Mom - Sunaina, Nehal, Palak, Aashi are so lucky" ; I asked why ? " They don't have so many barbies so they don't have to plead ( yes that's the word used) with their mother to buy them one"

" Mamma most Barbies you bought for me when I was small. I did not buy them , you got them for me. So I should be allowed to choose my Barbie"

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Television can have all kinds of impact on the kids. Despite restrictive TV watching, the influence of Hindi dubbed cartoons have taken its toll. Recent example showed me the picture
"Mamma- Aadi ne mere  upar ILZAAM lagaya he ki maine uska car break kiya. Kya appko meri BEGUNAHI par Shaque hai " . Well, it took mom quick a while to get over the shock to actually go and be the peacemaker

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Sibling Rivalry at its peak  - Seeing the number of single kids around, my daughter comes back to me one day " " Mamma ,Aashi is so lucky. She does not have a brother. She can do whatever she wants and no one to trouble like aadi does". A worried me tried and explain how much fun is it to have a sibling and when everything failed, i blurted out that  when you grow up, you can go to Goa ( our recent vacation) with him alone in case mom and dad are both working and are not allowed holidays . She thought for a while and sulked " Now, I have to take him for holidays as well when I grow up, Aashi is really lucky" !

Social Media Addiction - Trade Off or Pay Off ?

Is our fascination with YouTube, Twitter and Facebook turning us into a society of distracted, forgetful, shallow human beings? Are we only looking at the pay offs turning our eye on the trade offs of this new found obsession? Is the internet making us dumber?

These days a hot debate has broken out on this topic. Social media on one hand has given us more freedom to express and connect than ever or are we  sacrificing our ability to reflect and create and form meaningful relationships?

There are multiple examples in history which are replete with how some innovations changed the way we lived and worked. Some of which I have just read in few editorials where this debate is getting hotly pursued. For years, Oral recitation and memorizing was the way to pass on information unless the printing press came along, writing was what all of us grew up as and now all we do is type and may be next generation will spend more time in typing and tapping ( on touch screen devices) than we did on paper and pen. We don’t refer to encyclopedias – we google – be it all project works . We don’t even rely on memory for directions- there’s a e-map to show us the way. The beauty has been the way each civilization adapted to these changes and progressed all along. Some actually say that by freeing our brains from so much clutter, we have actually paved way for future innovations and you can say it with the pace with which fundamentals of living are changing today.

Social media is a different ball game all together. The ability to connect with so many people, make yourself heard , make your voice count has catapulted us into a different league. Recent example was Anna Hazare movement against corruption in India . Thousands joined the Facebook group, there were status update in support of the cause. It gave instant gratification to people like us who have a lot to say and we found a forum. However cynics say that’s where the shallowness lie wherein most people talked and talked about it but the same lot will not move their butt to go and join the crusade at Jantar mantar or will not stop from paying a bribe at next instance to get their things facilitated. But then there are some real benefits- people have been able to raise money and donations or even help find a kidnapped boy or even get most autocratic organizations, people, governments to succumb to the “ Virtual Pressure” . We recently had a colleague sudden demise and the facebook group helped couple of us pour out our heart and make peace with this sudden loss.

But then in the days of FB friendships or Twitter chatter  , are we being illusionary about connecting and forging relationships. Some even go onto say that we are eavesdropping at times on conversations 2 different individuals are having. May be yes, excess of everything is bad but social media has helped many of us stay connected with family and friends – meeting them may be only during celebrations or worse funerals. It has helped to share your views to a wider audience. I love reading sliced and diced news pieces rather than relying on my own 1 or 2 newspaper readings. I feel more informed at times as the info sharing by multiple people is well yes as multiple as they are and has helped broaden my knowledge beyond your immediate areas of interest. It surely is a pleasure to see the folks you shared a good part of your life and their family life. I can never imagine our parents generation remaining in touch with so many of their friends. I also feel that if I ever leave work and decide to be at home, I don’t think I can ever get bored or feel that I am wasting my life. There is so much to learn , pick up new skills – all at the click of a button. You can blog, tweet, message- all in one go

But yes , I do squirm at the fact that there are days when as a family , we are browsing on respective phones and the kids on their ipads – all sitting in one room silently. The smell of books with carefully placed bookmarks by the bedside  taken over by Kindle or the charm of having a great conversation over a cup of coffee. For that matter, some of the hobbies we pursued like art , music because we had time are no longer there. You forever fiddle with your phone whether on the move or on a vacation. There is a worry that our kids perhaps will take all this as the new normal . The fact that our attention spans have become much shorter. May be its impacting our relationships. There is one thing to be in touch with a large number of people you have come across in your life but there are some relationships that would have been nurtured and invested in which may be we take for granted- birthday calendars have taken over our memories, a note on the wall instead of a phone call. There is far more information than we can process .

Not clear answers to this debate. For sure for now, I am at least liking the fact of being connected and informed and being “ In the cloud” . Happy to hear your point of views. Will make for an exciting debate but I cannot end this without this quote I read in an article- “ We will be an generation that had information but no context, butter but no bread, craving but no longing- Meg Wolitzer’s”

Working Women vs Working Men

On an ongoing debate at a coffee table as to why women are better than men at multi tasking, I was amazed how some of the men thought that we end up glorifying the role of a woman much more than what we end up doing. Now that was too much so I asked them a volley of questions for them to answer. Now since I am a full time professional, this was limited to the working women- working men debate. Its also limited to an Indian setting where House helps are around and hence as per men, we don't do most of the work ourselves and as part of the debate was pointed out to me that you have a driver, a cook, a nanny for kids and someone to clean the house and yet you claim that you do more work .
So here goes the argument

1. You don't manage house helps - Having house helps is of help only when you efficiently manage them. Its like having an extended team working for you and that too in your absence - virtual reporting for a large period. How they do and what they do if not monitored can leave your entire house in a chaos. Managing them, their egos, their desires is not easy especially when you know thats your support system. Any breakdown and the entire house comes down. It comes with a lot of stress as well. How are they keeping the kids? Are they being given proper meals? Is the hygiene being maintained - I must admit to at times not only checking but even smelling my kids clothes to ensure they are properly washed. This privilege comes with a lot of stress and ask any mother who keeps a house help- working or not working. Its the most difficult people management experience you will gather.

2. You don't get 5 missed calls from your house and then have a panic attack seeing them after a meeting only to call back and find that your 5 year old daughter wanted to know where a particular book is kept.

3. You don't have to decide and answer everyday as to what will be cooked and its gets challenging as the demand for something different emanates from all corners of the house.

4. You don't manage Birthday calendars and play dates especially during 2 months long summer vacations. Acknowledgements of invites, reminders in mobile phones a day before and arrange the logistics to get them dropped to the endless pizza huts ,MacDonald's and malls food courts ( why cant people be more creative when it comes to arranging parties for their kids ? that's for another day perhaps !).

5. You don't remember that Monday is skating day , Tuesday is swimming day , Wednesday is sports day and arrange respective stuff to be carried to school a day before.

6. You don't come back from work and then check your kids school diary on a daily basis, write notes for the teachers and make notes for yourself on the key dates in the month.

7. You don't spend at least 25% of your weekends pulling out winter clothes, dry cleaning them , putting them away and again getting them dry cleaned to manage the seasons we have here in north India

8. You do attend PTMs and ask some questions to the tutors but I bet half the time you would not even know the current topic being taught in the class.

9. You do spend time with kids reading out to them and playing but you don't bother whether their shelves
are dusted and the same books kept properly

10. You are not pulled by your children the moment you get down the car to keep your stuff aside and jump right into the park to play with them.

11. And you certainly don't get a frantic call from your child asking you to come on skype in the middle of the meeting because she wants to show the bruise her brother has given her right there and then and you cannot even explain office firewalls.

A note from your mother on Mother's day

I am a little agnostic to Mother's day or for that matter any other day. Well for one , this was never part of our growing up years ( Valentines and friendships days were in vogue) and my children are too young to have that as part of their celebrations.

So whats its like to be a mother? Oh ! We can find enough books, blogs, opinions on the same and I am not even going there. Its actually different for everyone. I haven't yet found one for myself for every new day is a discovery in itself. There are moments when you wish it could have come a little later in your life and there are days you cannot imagine your life otherwise. You fret, fume, cry, sulk, rejoice, love -do everything . So here's a note from me to the two sometimes angel, sometimes devils of my life.
Note 1:To Nia
We always wished for having a daughter and when you came, everything fell in place. Your dad sent text to all in the middle of the night signed off by your name saying you have entered our life. You are so like me and yet so unlike me. Gentle, frail and loving as ever, you are a toast of the family. Your love for art and music makes me feel like a celebrity mother considering I never had flair for one. You were born with a smile on your face and you carry that always.You have a mind of your own and an opinion. As i say often, you are an ideal child. You were so easy and non fussy to bring up that I actually thought raising children is the easiest thing to do. ( till your brother arrived). You are so much a daddy's girl but you are so much a mamma's darling as well. I love your non stop bantering in the evening sharing your girlie gossip in school and your admissions that you hate boys especially those in the neighbourhood who try to be your friends. You handle the pressures of being the elder sibling so well. I promise to do lesser experiments on you - pushing you to do all that I would have liked to do- from Tennis to Abacus to swimming.  If only, you can do with a little bit of less dominance on your younger brother who follows you like a little puppy as well as dad who has a reason for your any misadventure ( and thinks that its valid and logical as well). Love you darling for having you is such a blessing and a joy. There cannot be a better gift than you to me on mother's day forever
Note 2: To aadi
We were indifferent before you came but I was happy to see a boy for the family was complete. You landed and comparisons started with your sister- she is prettier, she started walking earlier than you. We were a little scared as you started speaking late but unlike your sister, you grew slowly in our hearts- mom, dad and nia. You are 180 degrees apart from your sister. I realized how difficult raising kids are only when you came. You are the little monster of the family. You keep us entertained and me physically active by making me run behind you all the time. Your special love for mom makes my heart swell with pride. If only, you can let me sleep in piece rather than moving cars all over me or if you can stop lying flat down in the middle of the corridor to get everyone's attention. But your endearing nature makes you the most popular guy in the neighbourhood. I have had strangers walking up to me mentioning how you will go and hug them. You make the family proud as unlike your mom, you chat more with grandparents on the phone compensating for her. I lover baby bear when you take my face in your hands forcing me to look at you while listening to you, when you lie next to me to sleep putting half of yourself on me or even your manifestation of stranger anxiety by hiding behind me. You made the family complete , You made us complete. Big hugs sunshine

Signing off with two of Mom's favorite picture

Cracking the code : Summer Vacations

Vacations and that too summer vacations have become a major area of contemplation for modern day parents. I don't even remember any planning and process for the same. Actually the children remain agnostic to the fact - its an extension of a holiday from a weekend of 2 days to that of 60 days , its the parents who have suddenly catapulted it to be an event that needs attention, planning and super perfect execution and the success metrics is how busy was your child during these holidays.

I will be honest. I have also given in to the this fad of new-age parents. I had a single child then and seeing the craze for summer camps and courses around for kids, I actually thought that leave aside being fashionable, if I  don't put my daughter in any one of these, it might impact her learning progress. The camps were teaching everything from yoga to dance to reading etc. I scrambled through multiple sites, got her into one of those only to find that even during these vacations , she was having a packed schedule. It actually suited me as i am a working mother. Its good to come back home to a child whose been busy - somewhere takes the mental pressure off your mind. But when I noticed her reluctance for the same and the fact that 15 days of these courses cannot get her to pick up a book and read or develop love for music., I stopped all of it. My son now 3 has not been to any summer camp and i don't intend to do it either.  My daughter attends piano lessons twice a week with 2 of her best friends for over a year now and she loves it.

But the challenge was not over yet. It had just begun. Like a super mom, i decided a big NO for summer camps but what to do now? Here's what we do during summer's over last few years
1. Plan a trip : Vacations memories are always of some fun trip or another. We ensure that we take good 10 days off  and plan a trip. My kids are yet to get exposed to lavish vacations in Swiss alps but like good old north indian parents that we are , they end up in Indian alps to beat the heat . Be it Nainital, Manali  or coorg, they have all been there. You can be a little innovative and indulgent here - choose an offbeat resort, plan some activities like nature walk and you will discover that bang in the middle of being at a typical Hill station during Indian summers, you can find your tranquility. A little planning here always helps.

2. Friends , Family & Fun : Often we plan a good day out for the kids. There are so many in the building that each family takes turn on a week day and we have at least once a week for next 5-6 weeks which is play dates in friends house. They dance, play, eat, sleep, fight, make up  - all together. last year, the girls- all of 4-5 years prepared a dance under supervision of one lady and then presented the same to all of us one evening over high tea. Similar to what we used to do. I felt such great joy - nothing any summer camp could give me.  We have family over for sometime if they can. Nothing like enjoying the days together - In one word, Vacations means chaos, chatter, bantering and getting pampered.

3. Food : Quiet hot afternoons of Indian summers has always been full of great food. From watermelons to ice creams to mangoes - all to beat the heat. A quick instruction to daily staff and personal supervision in the morning ensures that before I leave for work, the melons are cut , icecream preparations are complete ( yes, we do  give them home made icecream even if sometimes its mango juice made to freeze). The kids are home, a little bored and these little surprises brings them immense joy. Sometimes you can get a little creative and leave a note for them with chocolates

4. On their own: Vacations are to be on your own- laze around, play, dance, study whatever suits the child. A planned summer camp can help but only this much. Most of them get 25-30 kids in one class and of not much use. Remember as children, we enjoyed when we were with friends or family. An exciting camp can at best keep a child engaged for a week. More than that, its as good as going to school. The exorbitant fees they charge morally forces the parents in turn to force the child to attend such courses. I remember paying one such tuition fees for a private swimming lesson with a dedicated instructor for my daughter- Certain days when she did not feel like going, I was so livid with her as the money wasted pinches you.

Finally, as working professionals , we all yearn for vacations. We look back with nostalgia on those days. The irony is that for our own children, we end up having a different speak.

Weaving the social fabric

The story of  2 sisters confined in their house for 7 months and the debate on the role of society has been on for last 24 hours. I personally was horrified to hear about it. 2 women, educated, coming from a well educated nuclear family and in such appalling state. There is  a role society needs to play but there is  a role each one needs to play- we need to weave our own social fabric as well

My mother lost her father when she was just two years old and my grandmother just 21. She and my uncle actually grew up in her maternal household- a joint family with multiple cousin sisters and brothers. She believes that her aunt which whom she spent sometime is her second mom. In her own words, despite having no father, she never really missed him to be around only because she had a strong family around her.

We grew up in a nuclear family. But then the annual vacations ensured that we remained in touch. The social fabric my mom developed ensured that we remain interconnected with family at large. Most of us take pride in the strong family we come from where we remain connected to first cousins and beyond and not just immediate family. I don't think  all of us talk or meet so often but its so deeply interconnected that we all turn up in celebrations and in grief. In our case, it also got extended to some family friends and neighbours so while the aunt living in front of our house would have met me only twice in last ten years but she would know everything about me and I would also get briefed on the same whenever i visit home.

In our case, I have to work exponentially hard to weave that social fabric. The annual visits from/ to grandparents place is limited as people move places and both partners working. It gets all the more difficult in this age as every one is available in digital space- You don't need to write long letters - you can pick up the phone and talk and for younger ones, you know them real time via skype, facebook and more.  But this is fine with people like us- who have been part of both worlds and have our relationships rooted in the social fabric enough that these new accesses just manifests them in a different form. However what about our children- they cannot initiate relationships in the digital world- they need to know what it is like to have a security at the back of your mind that yes, there are parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends whom I can go to if anything goes wrong. Some of the things which help in that context -
- Have a sibling for your child. This is not to say that people who have decided to have single child for their own reasons are not thinking about their child but believe me having your own brother or a sister 24*7 around you makes so much difference to you. You have a buddy and you are a team always. The sense of social security which we look for begins from here and it remains in times to come
- We are a protective parent generation. What if they get hurt in the park? what if the kids around are bully ? Let the maid play with them? The least we can do is make our children form and value relationships on their own. This can happen only when you let go of them a little. Let them play , fight, cry and make up. Its a joy to see when my daughter looking forward to her evening play time with some great friends she has made in the apartment building. They gate crash each other houses, spend time together and even attend activity classes together
- Get them to reach out to families - I have seen parents fretting over their children during weddings, family get togethers. Often on a visit to their home country or home towns, the children are left behind as parents complete their annual relatives meetings. Our children live anyways in a nuclear capsule - Its okay if they sleep late one night or getting tired. Our kids are packed at the back of the car and they travel with us wherever we go and whomever we meet. Best is to call people over to meet at home. Let them absorb the thrill like we used to have - So and So uncle and aunty will be coming for dinner tonight or evening tea will be at this ones place.

On a closing note, While there have been changes in the society. We are glad that people are minding their own business rather than putting their nose in neighbours affairs but we should also remember , the extent to which we are social or unsocial is something we decide and its one thing that gets passed on from generations - the way you have been brought up most of the time determines how will you be with family, friends and  society at large. So sometimes when we all get nagged by our parents to call aunt living far off or visit old family friends now settled in your city and we do it also reluctantly , its a social fabric we are weaving- something which will help us in times to come

Let there be space in your togetherness

This thought stemmed from one incident - I met a couple few days back. They seem to be always be there for each other. They are both working couples and they always hung out together...parties, family functions, gyms , shopping malls. The guy was enamoured as the girl even refused to go to her parents house without him. They were married on Facebook, had a common bank account , shared passwords of their emails . In most people's eyes they were the perfect couple truly made for each other. The problem started soon when they seemed to yearn for space yet not able to voice it out lest it manifests as not loving each other anymore and it exploded when they had a child who required more of the mother initially. They just did not know how to give each other space and resulted in the woman getting into a depression.

This got me thinking. The pressure on relationships today often makes them claustrophobic. So much has been written to be more participative, communicative and sharing and caring in a relationship, that sometimes the pressure often leads to missing out on your personal space. The irony is that more often than not we don't realize it as well and breakdown of relationships often started getting attributed to other things than the root cause.

The other noticeable thing is that more often than not , we attribute this to adults. If you be a little perceptive, you will see that we often miss the same point when it comes to children. Sometimes the over protective zeal and paranoia results in being all over your children all the time. I noticed this with a lady I see in my building. She picks up and drops her son everyday to school . Being only child, she pays great attention and the child has his study time, TV time , even soup time. They come down together where she plays with him in the park. In fact she refused for a car pool as well as she thinks its quality time with the child. Anyone would have given her full marks for being the best mother possible - I did as well. Unless one day, I saw her 6 year old shouting and crying in despair that I want to play with my friends , go to their house, go for school picnic and why are always with me.? Now she might have some valid reason for all you know- health etc but I do feel that she needs to let him move out a little on his own.

The expression of togetherness has manifested itself in a big way in our lives. Most people today struggle to maintain a balance between personal space and togetherness with their loved ones. Its often confusing as young adults or as young parents to decide how to be your own self without giving the message of being selfish. On one hand, you hear that true love is finding your soul mate and becoming One and on other hand , you also need to keep a piece of yourself only for you. Its more difficult when you are a parent- you are trying to be protective, caring but when do you get on the verge that it becomes stifling for your child , you never come to know.

The answers are not easy to find - may be we need to go back to basics - a balance of everything needs to be maintained , excess of everything is bad. However how do we do that without someone pointing fingers at us for thinking only for ourselves ? These are not so easy to come by. In all that, here's what Gibran said long ago - its so apt and true

"

But let there be spaces in your togetherness

and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."