Having a daughter...

is a dream come true for most of us. The angelic qualities of one notwithstanding, its a visual delight for mothers as it gives them opportunity to dress and doll up the little angels. Ours is a first born and its been a riot of colours in the wardrobe for her. From the traditional baby pinks to now electric greens, you name it and I would have bought for her. Daughters do give mothers a chance to relive what they grew up dressing up as but now cannot wear them for myriad of reasons  - from not suiting their personalities now to ummm... weighty issues. But the best part is the accessories- from tinkling of small payals, pink hairbands with a little bows , little thin gold chains across their necks. And of course, having those little studs in the ears when they get pierced the first time around. It takes me ages to shop for my daughter and I have to admit that it all costs a bomb at all. Our boy- well for him the shopping is in a jiffy and often just a pair of jeans and shirt. I would have never spent so many days ever thinking what I will wear as I have spent thinking before each of her birthdays and the endless choices does not help either- it only confuses me more.

So it really saddens this mother when you realize that your choices are no longer your daughter choices . At five, she has a mind of her own and she will make her own couture choices. So the days  you pick a frock from the wardrobe, it has to be floral skirts. The day you tell her to wear her jeans before she outgrows them, she looks for shorts in her cupboard.  Her father seems to love it - "my daughter has a mind and choice of her own. why do you need to bother so much? She will manage on her own." I repeated the same words a few days later when i saw him livid when an over excited neighbour met him in the elevator and mentioned that her son really likes his daughter and he came back furious.

But honestly right now is the phase to enjoy when you see her enjoying life - where all she bothers is about colours and fragrances. Sometimes seeing her grow up so fast makes you realize that as you trudge along Mondays and Tuesdays on one hand, time does fly in a jiffy on the other hand.

Now this is just not done...

Now I am no big fan of aishwarya rai and I care a damn whether Junior B is having a baby. But an article like this (aishwarya sacked for being preggers)surely did not go down well with me. I am no jingoist for feminism but if elite media ( read English dailies) are publishing reports about a career getting over is pitiful. Its sad that the first question which still gets asked when a working woman is pregnant is "would you continue to work" or " is her career over? Well this is a question most mothers- to-be dabble with especially when they are working but shouldn't it be left to them to decide?- whether they want to continue the way they are or opt for a flexi work option or even become stay at home ? I am assuming Mrs bachchan thought of all this before committing herself on the dotted line - the basic tenets of professionalism. The incidents of women getting shortchanged during pregnancy and maternity leave are dime a dozen. I have met friends in corporate world joining back work at a less meatier role or worse missing a promotion. Even in so called cocoons of government services, women have come back to far lesser important role only to begin all over again and its a big blow to the aspirations of most who were brought up by their parents to be on their own and have an ambition to carve a career for themselves. New moms are anyways struggling between the dichotomy of their mind guiding them to continue unabashed pursue of their career or to render love and care to their new born which is a task in itself and then you have people questioning your ability to manage both and work ethics. The infrastructure around is equally frustrating- dependence on maids  whose demand far exceeds the supply controlled by agents asking for 20K a year as commission last heard, no good daycare, nuclear families with grandparents not willing to relocate and to be fair  to them why should they? Their job is done now - its our journey and we need to tread it ourselves. For every working woman i have met who has had family support, I have also met an equally sulking woman at not having the liberty of being on their own- I mean you cant have everything right?You give some , you loose some. But whats equally frustrating is the attitude of the dominant gender in the workforce. As a husband , you might be empathising with your wife for all that she is doing but as a workforce participant there will be a general smirk for colleagues moving on maternity leave.

However its not a story where there are villains pulling the women folks down. The lady in question is equally responsible for her actions. first is a realization that being a mother definitely means some changes in the way you work. If you have a travelling job, you would need to either plan earlier to move onto a role more suited to you then or if you are involved in that, keep the stakeholders informed earlier- there is an equal thought floating that Aishwarya did not keep the producers in confidence on this impending development. I truly agree with thisTed Talk . Most women check out mentally much before they actually become mothers- No doubt its a big event but why is it an event for the woman- its a shared responsibility of both man of the house and lady of the house yet more women start to mentally be prepared that they will go on leave and when they will come back , their wont be much for them do. This is where we need to be strong- motherhood and your work should be taken in your stride- a responsibility bound to come and at that time if you intend to be serious about your career , then look for a solution. Show up after your maternity leave. Don't take the work lightly purely because you can blame it to the reason of motherhood. The two can co exists and not necessarily at the cost of each other. I distinctly remember coming back on the 91st day ( maternity leave being only 90 days in India) and having a very clear conversation with the new head of business whom I was meeting for the first time and he told me that he appreciated the fact that I am serious about my work and my career . all of us want the best of both worlds and that can be achieved  but only when you are dedicated towards both. If you continue to be perpetually on flexi hours even if the organization does not support it fully, procrastinate work and are there everyday in office only for attendance sake but mentally checked out, then sorry that does not work. You rather than take the courageous space some women take to give up the work life and truly dedicate themselves to their children. This middle way does not work.

But then all this is easier said than done. Each woman is unique and so is their approach to  motherhood. There are some who don't want to sit at home for they don't want to burden their children with the fact that they gave up a good degree and a great career for them - may be the kids will never understand it also, some actually manage both purely out of financial needs - My maid started work 2 months post her delivery and with no family member in foreign land, she actually pays a neighbourhood old woman to take care of her like many of her other mates who cannot afford taking it easy, there are actually some who come because they don't want to be at home with in laws being around - its too much of friction and then tthere are some who take it in their stride like men do. They like their work and barring a few bad days with no  support are able to manage both. Yet they have a hanging sword on their head -whether they are ensuring that by this their kids childhood is not messed up.

Our mothers never had the option. Most of them were homemakers and that's the way it was. We were raised as offshoot of their aspirations to be women who had the power of knowledge and the choice to work or not to depending on the circumstances. I sincerely hope and pray that by the time our daughters grow up the social ecosystem and infrastructure has evolved to an extent that her choice to work or not is dependent purely on  her individual interest and not on external  conditions and my son has the ability to appreciate, empathise and participate both as an individual in particular and society at large.

A note from your mother on Mother's day

I am a little agnostic to Mother's day or for that matter any other day. Well for one , this was never part of our growing up years ( Valentines and friendships days were in vogue) and my children are too young to have that as part of their celebrations.

So whats its like to be a mother? Oh ! We can find enough books, blogs, opinions on the same and I am not even going there. Its actually different for everyone. I haven't yet found one for myself for every new day is a discovery in itself. There are moments when you wish it could have come a little later in your life and there are days you cannot imagine your life otherwise. You fret, fume, cry, sulk, rejoice, love -do everything . So here's a note from me to the two sometimes angel, sometimes devils of my life.
Note 1:To Nia
We always wished for having a daughter and when you came, everything fell in place. Your dad sent text to all in the middle of the night signed off by your name saying you have entered our life. You are so like me and yet so unlike me. Gentle, frail and loving as ever, you are a toast of the family. Your love for art and music makes me feel like a celebrity mother considering I never had flair for one. You were born with a smile on your face and you carry that always.You have a mind of your own and an opinion. As i say often, you are an ideal child. You were so easy and non fussy to bring up that I actually thought raising children is the easiest thing to do. ( till your brother arrived). You are so much a daddy's girl but you are so much a mamma's darling as well. I love your non stop bantering in the evening sharing your girlie gossip in school and your admissions that you hate boys especially those in the neighbourhood who try to be your friends. You handle the pressures of being the elder sibling so well. I promise to do lesser experiments on you - pushing you to do all that I would have liked to do- from Tennis to Abacus to swimming.  If only, you can do with a little bit of less dominance on your younger brother who follows you like a little puppy as well as dad who has a reason for your any misadventure ( and thinks that its valid and logical as well). Love you darling for having you is such a blessing and a joy. There cannot be a better gift than you to me on mother's day forever
Note 2: To aadi
We were indifferent before you came but I was happy to see a boy for the family was complete. You landed and comparisons started with your sister- she is prettier, she started walking earlier than you. We were a little scared as you started speaking late but unlike your sister, you grew slowly in our hearts- mom, dad and nia. You are 180 degrees apart from your sister. I realized how difficult raising kids are only when you came. You are the little monster of the family. You keep us entertained and me physically active by making me run behind you all the time. Your special love for mom makes my heart swell with pride. If only, you can let me sleep in piece rather than moving cars all over me or if you can stop lying flat down in the middle of the corridor to get everyone's attention. But your endearing nature makes you the most popular guy in the neighbourhood. I have had strangers walking up to me mentioning how you will go and hug them. You make the family proud as unlike your mom, you chat more with grandparents on the phone compensating for her. I lover baby bear when you take my face in your hands forcing me to look at you while listening to you, when you lie next to me to sleep putting half of yourself on me or even your manifestation of stranger anxiety by hiding behind me. You made the family complete , You made us complete. Big hugs sunshine

Signing off with two of Mom's favorite picture

Obsession with Motherhood

Have been little laid back in writing a blog but thanks to few poking from friends decided to out fingers to keyboard ( surrogate for pen to paper). The topic I am going to touch upon can be a little controversial but a little introspection on it is worth a merit.
I have often noticed that most mothers like ourselves are getting consciously or unconsciously getting obsessed with motherhood to a very large extent. The power of social media has given ample opportunity to each one of us. Just think, most Facebook status updates from Young mothers are about their kids- be it school activities, a funny thing they said or even something to do with their eating habits. The pictures we upload are more to do with Kids than to do with the occasions. In a social party or office coffee conversations, its all around how we manage work life , maids and all things around our kids upbringing. So we not only fret and fume over our little ones all times as doting mothers, they have stepped into all our activities silently. If anyone today asks me " How was your weekend", I invariably begin with what I ended up doing with Kids ( though I might have done something else over the weekend). What makes it all the more amusing to me as I think through this that if we ask our children the same question on what they did over the weekend, I don't think time spent with mom will feature that prominently
I really don't have a reason for this . Its an observation I have been dabbling for a while. Social Media has virtually augmented it - You have mommy blogs dime a dozen capturing what their kids did or the numerous updates we see on Facebook everyday.
- Is it bad ? Absolutely not for fortunate are women who actually have the privilege of what it actually means owning a piece of yourself and grow in front of us.
- Does it over consume us ? I think yes- The superwomen we all are trying to become has somewhere forced us to make a picture of ourselves as mothers who can do anything and everything - The access to information on parenting has made us so conscious of being good mothers that we probably over do it at times.
- Were our mothers so consumed by their roles ? I don't think so. While they did spend a lot of time on us but their conversations varied about other things as well - from food prices to latest Household appliances in town to whose getting married to whom ? They probably never discussed what joke we cracked , what food we ate or for that matter what vacations we took. Somewhere they lived a more multi dimensional life than we all do.
However there is another perspective as well . We all live in a nuclear family- some of us very far from our near and dear ones. The liberated us have a " I don't care much " attitude for social obligations any which ways. The transitory life of work and place leave little time to interact with friends and neighbours . We all have acquired a lot of skills overtime - professionally and personally , we are diverse but what binds us all together is that we are mothers of some wonderful kids and we can relate to each other lives and each other stories only through this thread. The fact that some of you liked my posts is only because they somewhere touched upon your lives as mothers. In this world where real time is less and virtual connect is more, this common thread has brought us back together in a very strange fashion. To be honest, I like it when somewhere I can have a connect with a friend on something I spend most of my non working time - my children.

The questions are many- the answers still vague and I am lost between the two. But as they say, its always good to discover the other side. For this, you would need to move away from where we are. To begin this, I am going to ensure that I myself start writing on other topics of interest and if I continue to have that thread with most of you, It will be worth a discovery.