After a long time...

Have been missing for quite sometime now ! actually 3 odd months. What was I upto? Well , just plain lazy. There were lot of times when I wrote some posts in my mind but that never materialized. Anyways, some nudging from friends ( and thank god that there are some of you who end up reading) , here i am. This hopefully should be a fun post for that's what I have been having over last few months. The winter chill has quietly made its way in north India and the weather is at its best. October is a special month for us for couple of regular reasons and some specials as well. Regulars are the fact that almost every one important in my life have their birthdays - daughter, mom, sister , myself and this gets interspersed with multiple festivities we have here. The warmth and happiness is in the air, you can almost feel it. This year was special as kids and myself got over almost 3 weeks of viral sickness in the household and a some professional gains for myself. So now if I am not having fun amidst all this, then something will be seriously wrong with me !

This year was also different for couple of things. We did daughter's birthday party at a place called Energy Centre in Gurgaon located in the largest public park here. The idea was not to be different but for children to have fun. I and the daughter were so bored with the umpteen Pizza Hut parties she got invited for - Same food, same place and  sometimes even similar return gifts. The concept was novel and nice. Kids were invited at the centre where  they first had a movie screening on climate change, there was a solar car ride, the centre head showed them giant solar panels and how they help to generate power for the centre. Post which they all headed for Terracotta painting - we selected pots since the return gifts were lovely plant saplings which each child took home to grow. The area was open, green and so very pleasant in the evening. We have gone couple of times there as a family now . for those in gurgaon, you must visit Roots- the organic cafe of the centre. Don't expect a superlative service- food takes good 40 min to arrive and the menu is limited but the place is like any college cafe...sit in the sun, grab a book, let the kids climb trees or run around and what perfect winter afternoon you want. This Sunday it was a beautiful sight watching them dancing under the bougainvillea tree - the flowers falling down on a windy day over them.

October also had a festival a week. With the kids now of an age where they are participative, more aware, its all the more fun.  A lot has changed the way Diwali gets celebrated now. A few days before Diwali,  daughter found it amusing that we made a big deal about new clothes on Diwali. I found it a little offending given the sentiments  around the festival esp with grandparents around but then it struck me, in today's age  she is so used to getting a new dress every now and then that she would not find  a novelty in the same.  So this Diwali took extra care to ensure that she gets her favorite dress for Diwali, it comes gift wrapped and is a surprise for her. The whole song and drama around it surely made it a novelty, with her now waiting for Diwali next year. Things seem to be changing so fast - there are hardly any fresh sweets being bought- most people end up buying chocolates- even we ended up buying chocolates for the  kids friends. They found the sugar made " khilonas" traditionally used with " kheel" during Diwali very fascinating but backed out when offered to eat them. I wonder another five years and we might not see such things around. People have started going out for dinners on Diwali day - finish the puja, do away with the crackers and then off to a nice joint for family dinner. May be it suits them but I actually squirm at the possibility of my kids ever preferring that over home made poori, sabji, dahi vada and kheer. So till the time I have control, I am going to ensure that they have a very traditional Diwali . If I ask anyone of us, I don't think any of our Diwali memories is about the festival getting different and better every year like birthdays. Most Diwalis for all of us is same - Same puja, same sequence of events in every household, dads still asking moms  every year how to do the puja, same aarti and same food menu. Yet its one of the fondest memories we all carry with us. Given the distraction and fast changing world these children live in, the only hope this mother has is to make the routine so repetitive year on year that it gets programmed in their mind and hopefully in their hearts.

Last month was also special. Some professional gains followed by my birthday. Sometimes I do wonder, I could have been single still or may be married but no kids, could have been in a different profession but what I am and have today is great. I never thought what my life will be in the thirties but I have learnt the futility of planning your life and have started enjoying what comes by. There were times when a maid crisis gave me distress or a bad day at work meant a week of stress- Now I have learnt to take all of this in my stride. I now appreciate and acknowledge that each day of your life will be different. You will get stuck with people you don't like personally and professionally, you will struggle to become a better daughter, wife and mother, you will always be short on time for your children but then the small joys, successes and happiness also come along. All we need to do is appreciate the same.

Have also learnt overtime that there are 2 sets of people who really enjoy the person you are. Indulgences in life is a luxury and these are the people who indulge you completely- your parents and your kids. No one enjoys your success more than your parents. The joy they feel when you succeed is tremendous - more so when you are a woman. Your parents treated all their children equally and fairly. They invested in you as a daughter as much as in a son and when you succeed in life, its a pride that's their prized possession. It can be a small win for you or a matter of fact thing which you deserved but the tinkle in their voice when they hear this surpasses all of that. The second is your children who make you real and humble. They couldn't care less what you have done or not done. They are the only ones peeping out of the door , ready to hug you the moment you land. The eyes twinkle seeing you as if all their lives , they have just been waiting for their tired mom to come home. Couldn't care less what you have achieved outside, you fail if you cant fix their favorite breakfast or read them a book.Nothing can be more humbling and real than this. Not to take away the importance of your life partner ( less he gets offended )- that's more of a relationship of equals - you enjoy each others success, console on failures and move together. yet there are expectations from each other. With your parents and your children, its pure love - its just YOU who matter to them .

In other news, December is round the corner. Intend to soak the winter sun and relish some great afternoons. Hopefully will do some more writing as well. There are some serious topics that bother me at times and hope to let it find its way in this forum.

Now this is just not done...

Now I am no big fan of aishwarya rai and I care a damn whether Junior B is having a baby. But an article like this (aishwarya sacked for being preggers)surely did not go down well with me. I am no jingoist for feminism but if elite media ( read English dailies) are publishing reports about a career getting over is pitiful. Its sad that the first question which still gets asked when a working woman is pregnant is "would you continue to work" or " is her career over? Well this is a question most mothers- to-be dabble with especially when they are working but shouldn't it be left to them to decide?- whether they want to continue the way they are or opt for a flexi work option or even become stay at home ? I am assuming Mrs bachchan thought of all this before committing herself on the dotted line - the basic tenets of professionalism. The incidents of women getting shortchanged during pregnancy and maternity leave are dime a dozen. I have met friends in corporate world joining back work at a less meatier role or worse missing a promotion. Even in so called cocoons of government services, women have come back to far lesser important role only to begin all over again and its a big blow to the aspirations of most who were brought up by their parents to be on their own and have an ambition to carve a career for themselves. New moms are anyways struggling between the dichotomy of their mind guiding them to continue unabashed pursue of their career or to render love and care to their new born which is a task in itself and then you have people questioning your ability to manage both and work ethics. The infrastructure around is equally frustrating- dependence on maids  whose demand far exceeds the supply controlled by agents asking for 20K a year as commission last heard, no good daycare, nuclear families with grandparents not willing to relocate and to be fair  to them why should they? Their job is done now - its our journey and we need to tread it ourselves. For every working woman i have met who has had family support, I have also met an equally sulking woman at not having the liberty of being on their own- I mean you cant have everything right?You give some , you loose some. But whats equally frustrating is the attitude of the dominant gender in the workforce. As a husband , you might be empathising with your wife for all that she is doing but as a workforce participant there will be a general smirk for colleagues moving on maternity leave.

However its not a story where there are villains pulling the women folks down. The lady in question is equally responsible for her actions. first is a realization that being a mother definitely means some changes in the way you work. If you have a travelling job, you would need to either plan earlier to move onto a role more suited to you then or if you are involved in that, keep the stakeholders informed earlier- there is an equal thought floating that Aishwarya did not keep the producers in confidence on this impending development. I truly agree with thisTed Talk . Most women check out mentally much before they actually become mothers- No doubt its a big event but why is it an event for the woman- its a shared responsibility of both man of the house and lady of the house yet more women start to mentally be prepared that they will go on leave and when they will come back , their wont be much for them do. This is where we need to be strong- motherhood and your work should be taken in your stride- a responsibility bound to come and at that time if you intend to be serious about your career , then look for a solution. Show up after your maternity leave. Don't take the work lightly purely because you can blame it to the reason of motherhood. The two can co exists and not necessarily at the cost of each other. I distinctly remember coming back on the 91st day ( maternity leave being only 90 days in India) and having a very clear conversation with the new head of business whom I was meeting for the first time and he told me that he appreciated the fact that I am serious about my work and my career . all of us want the best of both worlds and that can be achieved  but only when you are dedicated towards both. If you continue to be perpetually on flexi hours even if the organization does not support it fully, procrastinate work and are there everyday in office only for attendance sake but mentally checked out, then sorry that does not work. You rather than take the courageous space some women take to give up the work life and truly dedicate themselves to their children. This middle way does not work.

But then all this is easier said than done. Each woman is unique and so is their approach to  motherhood. There are some who don't want to sit at home for they don't want to burden their children with the fact that they gave up a good degree and a great career for them - may be the kids will never understand it also, some actually manage both purely out of financial needs - My maid started work 2 months post her delivery and with no family member in foreign land, she actually pays a neighbourhood old woman to take care of her like many of her other mates who cannot afford taking it easy, there are actually some who come because they don't want to be at home with in laws being around - its too much of friction and then tthere are some who take it in their stride like men do. They like their work and barring a few bad days with no  support are able to manage both. Yet they have a hanging sword on their head -whether they are ensuring that by this their kids childhood is not messed up.

Our mothers never had the option. Most of them were homemakers and that's the way it was. We were raised as offshoot of their aspirations to be women who had the power of knowledge and the choice to work or not to depending on the circumstances. I sincerely hope and pray that by the time our daughters grow up the social ecosystem and infrastructure has evolved to an extent that her choice to work or not is dependent purely on  her individual interest and not on external  conditions and my son has the ability to appreciate, empathise and participate both as an individual in particular and society at large.

Working Women vs Working Men

On an ongoing debate at a coffee table as to why women are better than men at multi tasking, I was amazed how some of the men thought that we end up glorifying the role of a woman much more than what we end up doing. Now that was too much so I asked them a volley of questions for them to answer. Now since I am a full time professional, this was limited to the working women- working men debate. Its also limited to an Indian setting where House helps are around and hence as per men, we don't do most of the work ourselves and as part of the debate was pointed out to me that you have a driver, a cook, a nanny for kids and someone to clean the house and yet you claim that you do more work .
So here goes the argument

1. You don't manage house helps - Having house helps is of help only when you efficiently manage them. Its like having an extended team working for you and that too in your absence - virtual reporting for a large period. How they do and what they do if not monitored can leave your entire house in a chaos. Managing them, their egos, their desires is not easy especially when you know thats your support system. Any breakdown and the entire house comes down. It comes with a lot of stress as well. How are they keeping the kids? Are they being given proper meals? Is the hygiene being maintained - I must admit to at times not only checking but even smelling my kids clothes to ensure they are properly washed. This privilege comes with a lot of stress and ask any mother who keeps a house help- working or not working. Its the most difficult people management experience you will gather.

2. You don't get 5 missed calls from your house and then have a panic attack seeing them after a meeting only to call back and find that your 5 year old daughter wanted to know where a particular book is kept.

3. You don't have to decide and answer everyday as to what will be cooked and its gets challenging as the demand for something different emanates from all corners of the house.

4. You don't manage Birthday calendars and play dates especially during 2 months long summer vacations. Acknowledgements of invites, reminders in mobile phones a day before and arrange the logistics to get them dropped to the endless pizza huts ,MacDonald's and malls food courts ( why cant people be more creative when it comes to arranging parties for their kids ? that's for another day perhaps !).

5. You don't remember that Monday is skating day , Tuesday is swimming day , Wednesday is sports day and arrange respective stuff to be carried to school a day before.

6. You don't come back from work and then check your kids school diary on a daily basis, write notes for the teachers and make notes for yourself on the key dates in the month.

7. You don't spend at least 25% of your weekends pulling out winter clothes, dry cleaning them , putting them away and again getting them dry cleaned to manage the seasons we have here in north India

8. You do attend PTMs and ask some questions to the tutors but I bet half the time you would not even know the current topic being taught in the class.

9. You do spend time with kids reading out to them and playing but you don't bother whether their shelves
are dusted and the same books kept properly

10. You are not pulled by your children the moment you get down the car to keep your stuff aside and jump right into the park to play with them.

11. And you certainly don't get a frantic call from your child asking you to come on skype in the middle of the meeting because she wants to show the bruise her brother has given her right there and then and you cannot even explain office firewalls.

Moments of Truths - Kids

As a full time professional and a mother of 2 kids , I have stumbled upon lot of experiences which I would like to call my " Moments of Truths". You actually dont realize them so easily. They begin with a self denial , then some self effort and finally you come to peace with their co existence in your life. They are also unqiue to each individual and hence my " moments of truths" can be outrageous in your approach for life and vice versa. But I am pretty confident that some of them , you will definitely find a resonance with.
MOT 1 : " You are the " Operations Manager " of your house " - I have debated and denied it for years with lot of friends. I always felt that two adults individuals living together should have equal distribution of work with clear responsibilites defined but post the kids, I have realized that no matter whether you have a wonderful better half who helps you in sharing this responsibility or not, whether you have supportive parents or in laws or not, whether you have been lucky to have had minimal maid crisis, a mother is and will always be the one running operations of the House. This does not mean that you end up doing the household work - Not at all. But the household " management " and the kids comes on your responsible shoulders. Whether its distribution of staff salaries, crisis and leave management, remembering umpteen birthday parties or play dates your children need to attend , checking the school diary for circulars or even deciding the menu of the meal keeping everyone's preferences in mind so as a full time working professional, the earlier you make peace with it , the better and happily you would be able to do the same.
MOT2 : " Its okay to steal sometime for yourself even from your children" - Long ago, I had a colleague who had a six month old daughter. She was one of the most vibrant person I had met. She had taken a transfer from bangalore to Delhi to join a new organization with her mom and a six month old daughther ( Husband came in a year later). She managed time for workouts, meeting old friends and partying on the weekends. Once someone asked her " Dont you feel guilty that you dont get to spend time with your daughter that much ". She mentioned - " You know I dont want to grow old to tell my daughter that I missed XYZ things while raising her and make her feel burdened by that. My own mother does that sometimes and I hate it and I would not like my daughter to have the same feeling". Some of us will agree with her and some of us dont. I agree to an extent but over a period of years, I also know that we need to " junk that guilt" and it's okay to have time-spa for yourself. A rejuvenated you can spend a far better quality time with your loved ones than one haggard and tired and compalining of living life only for the family.
MOT3: " Its good to spend Quality time at home but always prioritize where " - In the initial years when my daughter was small, I used to try very hard to be a " mom of all trades". I was ready post work for another work shift with my daughter trying to read her a book, fix a meal, planning her next day meal, instructing the maid, checking out on her cupboard and much more. Often I was physically and mentally exhausted by the time I hit the bed and the cycle wld go on like a clock work from Monday to Friday. You can very well imagine what would have happened when you have a second child arriving 2.5 year later. Over multiple experiments, I have realized that its very important for you to prioritize. It took a while to see this not as a personal failure of managing work and home but a smart move which is good for the child as well as you. So these days, I have priorittized my time for " health and hygiene" of the kids - I might not get time to read a book to them or play a board game with them but I always ensure that I have dinner with them, the maid knows what and most importantly " how" to cook their meals, give them a shower myself in the morning, check out on their clothes being washed properly and carefully and overall baisc hygiene is maintained in the house. With no family support , I realized this was the most important thing I needed to focus on to keep them healthy and not fall prey to illness - Off course , the weekends are there for all the fun things we miss out may be on a weekday but this ensures that whatever you do, you are happy with the outcome.
There are many Moments of Truths - related to marriage, work, health and even your own self. They have come after many years. Sometimes difficult to spot as well since they become an integral part of your life, Sometimes too personal to share but till next time , hope you enjoy this.