A note from your mother on Mother's day

I am a little agnostic to Mother's day or for that matter any other day. Well for one , this was never part of our growing up years ( Valentines and friendships days were in vogue) and my children are too young to have that as part of their celebrations.

So whats its like to be a mother? Oh ! We can find enough books, blogs, opinions on the same and I am not even going there. Its actually different for everyone. I haven't yet found one for myself for every new day is a discovery in itself. There are moments when you wish it could have come a little later in your life and there are days you cannot imagine your life otherwise. You fret, fume, cry, sulk, rejoice, love -do everything . So here's a note from me to the two sometimes angel, sometimes devils of my life.
Note 1:To Nia
We always wished for having a daughter and when you came, everything fell in place. Your dad sent text to all in the middle of the night signed off by your name saying you have entered our life. You are so like me and yet so unlike me. Gentle, frail and loving as ever, you are a toast of the family. Your love for art and music makes me feel like a celebrity mother considering I never had flair for one. You were born with a smile on your face and you carry that always.You have a mind of your own and an opinion. As i say often, you are an ideal child. You were so easy and non fussy to bring up that I actually thought raising children is the easiest thing to do. ( till your brother arrived). You are so much a daddy's girl but you are so much a mamma's darling as well. I love your non stop bantering in the evening sharing your girlie gossip in school and your admissions that you hate boys especially those in the neighbourhood who try to be your friends. You handle the pressures of being the elder sibling so well. I promise to do lesser experiments on you - pushing you to do all that I would have liked to do- from Tennis to Abacus to swimming.  If only, you can do with a little bit of less dominance on your younger brother who follows you like a little puppy as well as dad who has a reason for your any misadventure ( and thinks that its valid and logical as well). Love you darling for having you is such a blessing and a joy. There cannot be a better gift than you to me on mother's day forever
Note 2: To aadi
We were indifferent before you came but I was happy to see a boy for the family was complete. You landed and comparisons started with your sister- she is prettier, she started walking earlier than you. We were a little scared as you started speaking late but unlike your sister, you grew slowly in our hearts- mom, dad and nia. You are 180 degrees apart from your sister. I realized how difficult raising kids are only when you came. You are the little monster of the family. You keep us entertained and me physically active by making me run behind you all the time. Your special love for mom makes my heart swell with pride. If only, you can let me sleep in piece rather than moving cars all over me or if you can stop lying flat down in the middle of the corridor to get everyone's attention. But your endearing nature makes you the most popular guy in the neighbourhood. I have had strangers walking up to me mentioning how you will go and hug them. You make the family proud as unlike your mom, you chat more with grandparents on the phone compensating for her. I lover baby bear when you take my face in your hands forcing me to look at you while listening to you, when you lie next to me to sleep putting half of yourself on me or even your manifestation of stranger anxiety by hiding behind me. You made the family complete , You made us complete. Big hugs sunshine

Signing off with two of Mom's favorite picture

Cracking the code : Summer Vacations

Vacations and that too summer vacations have become a major area of contemplation for modern day parents. I don't even remember any planning and process for the same. Actually the children remain agnostic to the fact - its an extension of a holiday from a weekend of 2 days to that of 60 days , its the parents who have suddenly catapulted it to be an event that needs attention, planning and super perfect execution and the success metrics is how busy was your child during these holidays.

I will be honest. I have also given in to the this fad of new-age parents. I had a single child then and seeing the craze for summer camps and courses around for kids, I actually thought that leave aside being fashionable, if I  don't put my daughter in any one of these, it might impact her learning progress. The camps were teaching everything from yoga to dance to reading etc. I scrambled through multiple sites, got her into one of those only to find that even during these vacations , she was having a packed schedule. It actually suited me as i am a working mother. Its good to come back home to a child whose been busy - somewhere takes the mental pressure off your mind. But when I noticed her reluctance for the same and the fact that 15 days of these courses cannot get her to pick up a book and read or develop love for music., I stopped all of it. My son now 3 has not been to any summer camp and i don't intend to do it either.  My daughter attends piano lessons twice a week with 2 of her best friends for over a year now and she loves it.

But the challenge was not over yet. It had just begun. Like a super mom, i decided a big NO for summer camps but what to do now? Here's what we do during summer's over last few years
1. Plan a trip : Vacations memories are always of some fun trip or another. We ensure that we take good 10 days off  and plan a trip. My kids are yet to get exposed to lavish vacations in Swiss alps but like good old north indian parents that we are , they end up in Indian alps to beat the heat . Be it Nainital, Manali  or coorg, they have all been there. You can be a little innovative and indulgent here - choose an offbeat resort, plan some activities like nature walk and you will discover that bang in the middle of being at a typical Hill station during Indian summers, you can find your tranquility. A little planning here always helps.

2. Friends , Family & Fun : Often we plan a good day out for the kids. There are so many in the building that each family takes turn on a week day and we have at least once a week for next 5-6 weeks which is play dates in friends house. They dance, play, eat, sleep, fight, make up  - all together. last year, the girls- all of 4-5 years prepared a dance under supervision of one lady and then presented the same to all of us one evening over high tea. Similar to what we used to do. I felt such great joy - nothing any summer camp could give me.  We have family over for sometime if they can. Nothing like enjoying the days together - In one word, Vacations means chaos, chatter, bantering and getting pampered.

3. Food : Quiet hot afternoons of Indian summers has always been full of great food. From watermelons to ice creams to mangoes - all to beat the heat. A quick instruction to daily staff and personal supervision in the morning ensures that before I leave for work, the melons are cut , icecream preparations are complete ( yes, we do  give them home made icecream even if sometimes its mango juice made to freeze). The kids are home, a little bored and these little surprises brings them immense joy. Sometimes you can get a little creative and leave a note for them with chocolates

4. On their own: Vacations are to be on your own- laze around, play, dance, study whatever suits the child. A planned summer camp can help but only this much. Most of them get 25-30 kids in one class and of not much use. Remember as children, we enjoyed when we were with friends or family. An exciting camp can at best keep a child engaged for a week. More than that, its as good as going to school. The exorbitant fees they charge morally forces the parents in turn to force the child to attend such courses. I remember paying one such tuition fees for a private swimming lesson with a dedicated instructor for my daughter- Certain days when she did not feel like going, I was so livid with her as the money wasted pinches you.

Finally, as working professionals , we all yearn for vacations. We look back with nostalgia on those days. The irony is that for our own children, we end up having a different speak.

Weaving the social fabric

The story of  2 sisters confined in their house for 7 months and the debate on the role of society has been on for last 24 hours. I personally was horrified to hear about it. 2 women, educated, coming from a well educated nuclear family and in such appalling state. There is  a role society needs to play but there is  a role each one needs to play- we need to weave our own social fabric as well

My mother lost her father when she was just two years old and my grandmother just 21. She and my uncle actually grew up in her maternal household- a joint family with multiple cousin sisters and brothers. She believes that her aunt which whom she spent sometime is her second mom. In her own words, despite having no father, she never really missed him to be around only because she had a strong family around her.

We grew up in a nuclear family. But then the annual vacations ensured that we remained in touch. The social fabric my mom developed ensured that we remain interconnected with family at large. Most of us take pride in the strong family we come from where we remain connected to first cousins and beyond and not just immediate family. I don't think  all of us talk or meet so often but its so deeply interconnected that we all turn up in celebrations and in grief. In our case, it also got extended to some family friends and neighbours so while the aunt living in front of our house would have met me only twice in last ten years but she would know everything about me and I would also get briefed on the same whenever i visit home.

In our case, I have to work exponentially hard to weave that social fabric. The annual visits from/ to grandparents place is limited as people move places and both partners working. It gets all the more difficult in this age as every one is available in digital space- You don't need to write long letters - you can pick up the phone and talk and for younger ones, you know them real time via skype, facebook and more.  But this is fine with people like us- who have been part of both worlds and have our relationships rooted in the social fabric enough that these new accesses just manifests them in a different form. However what about our children- they cannot initiate relationships in the digital world- they need to know what it is like to have a security at the back of your mind that yes, there are parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends whom I can go to if anything goes wrong. Some of the things which help in that context -
- Have a sibling for your child. This is not to say that people who have decided to have single child for their own reasons are not thinking about their child but believe me having your own brother or a sister 24*7 around you makes so much difference to you. You have a buddy and you are a team always. The sense of social security which we look for begins from here and it remains in times to come
- We are a protective parent generation. What if they get hurt in the park? what if the kids around are bully ? Let the maid play with them? The least we can do is make our children form and value relationships on their own. This can happen only when you let go of them a little. Let them play , fight, cry and make up. Its a joy to see when my daughter looking forward to her evening play time with some great friends she has made in the apartment building. They gate crash each other houses, spend time together and even attend activity classes together
- Get them to reach out to families - I have seen parents fretting over their children during weddings, family get togethers. Often on a visit to their home country or home towns, the children are left behind as parents complete their annual relatives meetings. Our children live anyways in a nuclear capsule - Its okay if they sleep late one night or getting tired. Our kids are packed at the back of the car and they travel with us wherever we go and whomever we meet. Best is to call people over to meet at home. Let them absorb the thrill like we used to have - So and So uncle and aunty will be coming for dinner tonight or evening tea will be at this ones place.

On a closing note, While there have been changes in the society. We are glad that people are minding their own business rather than putting their nose in neighbours affairs but we should also remember , the extent to which we are social or unsocial is something we decide and its one thing that gets passed on from generations - the way you have been brought up most of the time determines how will you be with family, friends and  society at large. So sometimes when we all get nagged by our parents to call aunt living far off or visit old family friends now settled in your city and we do it also reluctantly , its a social fabric we are weaving- something which will help us in times to come

Let there be space in your togetherness

This thought stemmed from one incident - I met a couple few days back. They seem to be always be there for each other. They are both working couples and they always hung out together...parties, family functions, gyms , shopping malls. The guy was enamoured as the girl even refused to go to her parents house without him. They were married on Facebook, had a common bank account , shared passwords of their emails . In most people's eyes they were the perfect couple truly made for each other. The problem started soon when they seemed to yearn for space yet not able to voice it out lest it manifests as not loving each other anymore and it exploded when they had a child who required more of the mother initially. They just did not know how to give each other space and resulted in the woman getting into a depression.

This got me thinking. The pressure on relationships today often makes them claustrophobic. So much has been written to be more participative, communicative and sharing and caring in a relationship, that sometimes the pressure often leads to missing out on your personal space. The irony is that more often than not we don't realize it as well and breakdown of relationships often started getting attributed to other things than the root cause.

The other noticeable thing is that more often than not , we attribute this to adults. If you be a little perceptive, you will see that we often miss the same point when it comes to children. Sometimes the over protective zeal and paranoia results in being all over your children all the time. I noticed this with a lady I see in my building. She picks up and drops her son everyday to school . Being only child, she pays great attention and the child has his study time, TV time , even soup time. They come down together where she plays with him in the park. In fact she refused for a car pool as well as she thinks its quality time with the child. Anyone would have given her full marks for being the best mother possible - I did as well. Unless one day, I saw her 6 year old shouting and crying in despair that I want to play with my friends , go to their house, go for school picnic and why are always with me.? Now she might have some valid reason for all you know- health etc but I do feel that she needs to let him move out a little on his own.

The expression of togetherness has manifested itself in a big way in our lives. Most people today struggle to maintain a balance between personal space and togetherness with their loved ones. Its often confusing as young adults or as young parents to decide how to be your own self without giving the message of being selfish. On one hand, you hear that true love is finding your soul mate and becoming One and on other hand , you also need to keep a piece of yourself only for you. Its more difficult when you are a parent- you are trying to be protective, caring but when do you get on the verge that it becomes stifling for your child , you never come to know.

The answers are not easy to find - may be we need to go back to basics - a balance of everything needs to be maintained , excess of everything is bad. However how do we do that without someone pointing fingers at us for thinking only for ourselves ? These are not so easy to come by. In all that, here's what Gibran said long ago - its so apt and true

"

But let there be spaces in your togetherness

and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

Lost in cricket indifference

As everyone is caught up in cricket fever, heres an interesting dekko in life of a man who is passionate about cricket married to a lady whose interest in cricket is only when India plays pakistan and that too in finals and 2 kids aged 5 and 3 who are yet to develop liking for his passion. The Poor Soul has been lost in cricket indifferent family These days this is whats happening in our household:

-Saturday lunch is usually out and at place of kids choice. Daddy wants to catch not only the match but pre match analysis as well. The kids are rushed to take a bath just after breakfast and we decide to leave for lunch at 11:30. Now we have been used to a leisurly lunches for quite sometime. As three of us gulp the food as his pestering and leave,he decides to take a shorter route to reach faster and guess what - divine retribution- there is a traffic jam and rest as they say is history

- The only high point in having a son forhim is that one day he thinks they can watch and play sports together. However it reaches another level when he tries to make him watch-" See now this one will bowl and he is called a bowler and this one will hit the ball hard for a six and he is called God of cricket . FYI- tendulkar was batting in the last India-SA match. Of course the little champ takes it in his stride, hears it out and then gets busy in making imaginary tracks and noises with his cars.

- There is not a bigger downside of nuclear family then when you have to watch cricket alone. You can see the terrible soul yearning to blurt out comments but restrict himself lest people mistake it for dementia. So he either calls few friends during drinks break or connect through facebooks and twitters of the world.

- The morning tussle on newspaper has taken a backseat. He starts actually with the sports pages at the back of the newspaper so we split the paper. But theres a new tussle between him and the kids . He would like to read whats on cricinfo and multiple expert opinions while his devilish angels want to play angry birds. So theres pleading , cajoling and then threat but his own blood show their true colours- the other day, they went and hid under the table with their ipad untill father gave it all up in exasperation

and finally ,

- Just for sake of companionship, I give him company somedays- have to admit some of the matches off late has been real interesting to watch. As two mature individuals, we differ a lot - me an eternal pessimist about India's chances to win this world cup and he an eternal optimisit of seeing the dream of world cup coming true. So here goes the exchange of conversation between us

Me :" They will never win . They dont have the winning instinct"

Him : " Just wait and watch. Dhoni is really smart and shrewd . He will have something up his sleeves

Me : " They dont need to win. They make enough money through endorsements these days and then they have IPL . So even if they loose, their cricketing carrer will never end

Him : " You'll never understand. Winning is intoxicating and addictive. Its a high !

Me: " Why isnt Dhoni playing X player ? Why is he making these decisions"

Him : < exasperated> " Why do people like you who will wake up in the morning as if nothing has happened need to have opinions"

< shrugs his head further > " thats the problem in this country. People have an opinion on everything . They can't seem to enjoy the game just for the love of sports"

I am not going further into what will happen if India wins or looses - I can imagine a week full of sulking or exhilaration either ways - extreme reactions to extreme passion for the sport

To new beginnings..cheers !

I had started writing this blog more as a ramblings of my mind. With just a few posts, I have been able to find a great connect with lot of friends and a lot of encouragement. The last post actually had a 200+ hits in 2 days time. So to this new beginning, Big Thank You !. This ones for all of you...Saw this picture on the net and loved it

Letting go of a relationship- The other side...

Alright ! I had mentioned I will write something about our neighbour. Her daughter is my daughters childhood friend and I find her approach to life very intriguing. She is a PhD holder and extremely full of life. She is a housewife now - not be default but by design. She chose to spend time with her daughter. By nature, she comes across as someone who is very confident and is always helpful. She loves to interact and socialize. That's the reason despite hardly having anytime for neighbourhood happenings, I manage to catch up with her.

Few years back when we hardly knew each other, she had one of the most terrible happenings of her life. I hardly knew her then and I have vague memories of my maid coming and telling me that something has happened with the lady in the next bay. In a nut shell, she and her husband separated - she walked out , her parents came and the matter even reached the court with some repercussions. The story is not that. The story is that 3-4 months later , they had a reconciliation. She came back with her daughter in the same house with some preconditions. In a nutshell, if you see on the surface, she has given up much to get may be much less.

The natural reaction after hearing her side is to why did she come back ? There was no parental pressure, infact they wanted her to stay with her. She always knew that she is educated enough to have a professional life of her own to support herself and her girl. She also knew that coming back means severing ties with some of her closed ones. Hers was also an arranged marriage - this means no self guilt of making a choice yourself which has gone wrong and she did not believe in the cliche that she wanted to come back for the child for she believes the child will grow well on the environment in which she is brought up.

I asked her the same one day and here lies the beauty of her thoughts and soul. These are her thoughts on this and she wanted me to share it with a wider group and get their opinion.

mentioned that all the reasons mentioned above actually gave her the strength to come back. She very strongly feels that not all human beings are perfect to live in a synchronised harmony and varying temperaments often lead to clashes like in her case. But she believes that the best of yours and the worst of yours depend on circumstances. That don't make her husband a bad guy or her a suffering doll. In the heat of the moment, she thought of this being the end of the road and walked out but when she sat down to think, she realized that had the same argument/ behaviour would have happened with her father or brother , would she have decided to react the way she did. We often have personality clashes with our parents, siblings and even friends but in all these relationships, we also try to go out of our way to make changes , to amend ways and make it as smooth as possible. But when it comes to your life partner, why is the patience so thin? In her case, she also realized that often due to the laws being in favour of a woman, her husband ended up suffering more than she did in the whole process. She did not choose her parents and siblings but lived with them in all circumstances-good or bad and letting that bond of love grow. In their relationship, very early both she and the husband started evaluating whether whose changing for whom rather than working on it with a mindset that we are here for good and we will adjust to these circumstances mutually and let that bond of love grow. and that she said made her come back.

In her 2 years of marriage before the incident, she had not even begun on the journey of marriage being a long lasting institution. It was a pros and cons analysis always backed by the fact that I am a woman of today who has family support and a great job and I can walk out anytime to support myself so why do I need to even bother about nurturing the relationship..

That brought me to my second question to her : But what about your partner ? Shouldn't he be thinking like you as well ?

Here's whats her take on it . Some of which I agree and some difficult to reconcile with but then each one of us have a different approach to life. Per her, most relationships end without even an effort on the expectation that if I am taking 2 steps forward, why does not he makes the same effort. Once she decided to give her relationship another shot, it was her decision and she needs to take the same forward. If her decision to take a step forward is conditional, then she is again looking for bargain in the relationship. She was of the belief that if she makes an earnest effort , there is a time when the other person responds. She ended her story to me saying -" it might sound cliched that love can move mountains but I can tell you it does- provided you keep the faith ."

I see them as good threesome living a balanced normal life like all of us. On the surface a lot of people might think that its eventually her who made the compromise and came back . I look up to her as a person who had the courage to keep ego, hurt, anger aside and embark on to nurture her relationship with love and care. If there are women who have been strong enough to walkout and take charge of their life and children ( and personally I have the highest regard for them as well), it was endearing to hear another side.

Why did I put down her approach to life considering that I find myself difficult to agree with some parts of it .Because I find her whole approach very different and fresh. Its something I don't hear from anywhere. We are so consumed by singular individuality that probably we don't even let some of these approaches also into consideration at all. Some may say her approach is so esoteric but I see them today enjoying her family life.

I had started this post few days back and happy to post it on International Women's Day . Happy reading and wishing all my friends happy women's day - especially to male readers- they need special congratulations for being lucky to have some wonderful women in their life.