Here and there...and no where

Its really strange. Since the time I started writing, there are multiple topics that flash through my mind. I make a mental note that I shall post something on that . sometimes, there is a nudge from a friend as to why don't you write on this topic and I note that as well but most of the posts that you see are actually which  have been penned ( or rather typed)  in less than an hour , on an impulse, hurriedly spell checked ( as i noticed when i re read some old posts). The thoughts flow and i oblige myself by writing them down.

Never mind- the point is not related to what I am going to write. Again an impulsive thought I felt should find its place. ;). Last month has been , well, to be honest , just plain boring. I think July month does that to us. Vacations are over, mid year appraisals are done leaving a plain vanilla month ahead. So here's this post - more on This and that and here and there in July.

Monsoon  Memories:

So as you can see the blog look and feel has been changed in fond memories of the monsoon. Memories yes as a) we don't get them enough any which ways these days and b) the whole thought of traffic jams, clogged road and dirty laundry do not even let you enjoy the monsoon. Actually the amount of comments on facebook with few drizzles of rain in Delhi are the virtual enjoyment of monsoons we all indulge in.

I personally was never a monsoon 'fan'- my kind of enjoyment is to sit by a window and enjoy a book with a hot cup of hot chocolate. So when  few days back when rain came visiting our world, the kids insisted on going down in the rain. The sheer thought of them catching cold, managing office with a sick child quickly flashed through my mind. No way! you guys are not going downstairs in the rain- I managed a stern face as two pleading eyes looked at me. I tried to reason as well but they perched themselves on the edge of the window, looking down longingly and then came the last hit -" If you don't let us enjoy nature, how can we ever learn about it and take care of it " and then in a typical DDLJ moment ( Ja jee le apni zindagi type), I told them to run and rush. soon a couple of more kids joined...someone played music via their portable systems and it was plain sheer bliss. I was though back to how I enjoyed rain...a cup of hot chocolate , by the window, this time watching over 2 devils shaking hands with mother nature.

Grocery fix:

So the kids most of the times help me for any grocery shopping we need to do. I get to spend time with them and they learn ' on the job'. It starts with the elder one making a list as I look up the kitchen and then the three of us land up in supermarket. Its a funny sight...a head is deep inside the tomato basket picking up the ripe ones as told by mom or a little voice from behind with 2 hands full of the stuff they found at the counter. One of them will push the cart, the other will carefully place each item at the counter. We have healthy debates as to what's healthy to eat and hence purchase and its quite a democratic process- As I stop them to pick up chips and pies, a small hand hold me back from picking up a bottle of Diet coke. I see some people looking at me rather strangely- I bet they must be wondering how much I am making the poor kids run but then to all those ' chin up in the air moms'- You look more amusing walking in the aisle with a maid following you with a cart with your child perched inside it' . You either make them participative in the whole process or spare them the visit to the supermarket only to get one candy in the end.

Homework Woes:

For a change not for the kids but for me. I thought it was a smart thing to have them at 2.5 year gap but with the younger one in playschool, the workload on me on weekends is as great as the one on weekends. And then God save these fancy schools and  their Show and Tell concept and who insist on a 3 year old to come prepared with some topic every Monday. I thought play school was well about play but nonetheless, I think its a better way than the earlier pushy way. The challenge on hand is to get an extremely- full -of -energy boy to sit down and learn three lines on cleanliness whose clever enough to add a fourth one "We should keep our Mamma clean" given his obsession with me. The elder one moves to Grade 1 and it's a delight to work with her, refresh some fundamentals - if only the schools could spare the Art and Craft work. I don't have the skill set, motivation and creativity to think of ideas and it feels terrible to be written off in grade 1 for your drawing skills by your won child. So now I have a personal development plan and Google bhagwan to help me with ideas on how to go around the same.

So folks this his how July has gone. August has some long weekends and look forward to a relatively relaxing month.

Single mothers- Do we really respect their choices?

While there are enough marriages where both partners endure a nonexistent or worse a bad relationship for the sake of children, there are a lot of people nowadays who opt for being a single parent. The decision to become a single parent is a difficult one and it’s even more difficult when you are a woman. I don’t have statistics but there are more women who opt out of bad marriages with children and decide to raise the child herself- purely maternal instincts or may be because the child becomes the anchor of their life. The tragedy is that most people are curious to understand the reasons for the marriage or relationship to fail rather than see the courage the person has demonstrated to take a decision and live by it for the sake of her child or herself. And we thought that today the greatest things some of us have is a CHOICE – we can choose to work or stay at home, study or become a nomadic traveler and in the same breadth decide to live our life with someone or go separate ways.

It’s sad though that the social ecosystem hardly supports these decisions and worse most men walk away , remarry easily and live happily ever after but what about the woman- she often pays for the choice she made by living a more difficult life ? May be that’s the reason most women till today decide to be in the relationships, endure the pain and become more reconciled to their fate.

I think all of us would have met such people at the workplace or amongst friends and family . I happen to one as well. She was raised like all of us in small town, educated and made independent by her parents. However unlike few of us who came to big town for higher education, pursued professional courses and basically lived and learnt to be on our own, she continued to be in her home town and just so that you get the picture right, there’s only a handful of girls who today move to metro towns for further studies. So she completed her graduation, did a professional computer course and guess what parents found a good match at the right age ( or so they say) of 24-25 and she was married off. A year and a half  later of a bad marriage and impending pregnancy, she took the brave move of deciding to move out of the marriage with a 3 month old son and not for herself but for the sake of the child – to give the child a normal upbringing rather than a bitter childhood. Today it’s been 8 years and it’s a journey she would rather like to forget. She says she was blessed to have parents who were understanding enough to stand by her and help her raise her child for last so many years as she struggled, fell only to rise up again to be financially independent. But there were enough moments to make her feel the pain. She does not regret her decision but she does regret the long winding legal struggle for a separation and custody of the child, the innumerable glances people gave her of being a divorced women, the unsolicited advice on what to do with her life and worse the easy judgmental opinions about how she did not spend enough time invested in the relationship- In a nutshell, she could have continued her suffering in the hope that one day things will fall in place – her husband and in laws will start loving and accepting her.

Things have gone better as time flies but something’s will take aeon's to change. She does meet new people- Some she likes, some like her but the moment they know her status of being a single mother , things change. Some even suggested her to leave her child with her parents and start afresh – can you imagine? But that talks a lot about small town society today where even for a divorced/ widowed man with 2 kids, they can go ahead and get a girl half his age who would willingly marry and accept the 2 kids as her own but the other way round is just not happening.

Even in so called progressive society of metro town, you can find far and few empathy when a single mother comes late for work for she needed to nurse her sick child or the domestic help crisis has descended on her. The gossip mill run overtime  if she happens to hang around with male colleagues over drinks or decides to let her hair down in a party for once. There always seem to be more interest in her personal life than professional achievements. But few see the daily effort of raising a child all by herself. Most of us have our better halves and no matter how much we all complain, an evening chat, a pat on the back, a helping hand always makes it easier for us. As they say, sharing doubles the joy and halves the sorrow.

Few months ago, I did a post on letting go of relationships and saw a different perspective and basically this boils down to the choice an individual made suiting his or her situation in the circumstances she was in. However what troubles is that in the earlier case , the lady in question was able to endure the earlier pathos of the relationship to eventually find peace. In this case , the external factors, society at large and our systems made a person ,who was so called free from the shackles of a bad relationship, go through the pain post she moved on in the relationship as well and somewhere continues to fee so being under the scrutiny of public eye . And perhaps that’s what makes a life so ironical and difficult to comprehend.

Having a daughter...

is a dream come true for most of us. The angelic qualities of one notwithstanding, its a visual delight for mothers as it gives them opportunity to dress and doll up the little angels. Ours is a first born and its been a riot of colours in the wardrobe for her. From the traditional baby pinks to now electric greens, you name it and I would have bought for her. Daughters do give mothers a chance to relive what they grew up dressing up as but now cannot wear them for myriad of reasons  - from not suiting their personalities now to ummm... weighty issues. But the best part is the accessories- from tinkling of small payals, pink hairbands with a little bows , little thin gold chains across their necks. And of course, having those little studs in the ears when they get pierced the first time around. It takes me ages to shop for my daughter and I have to admit that it all costs a bomb at all. Our boy- well for him the shopping is in a jiffy and often just a pair of jeans and shirt. I would have never spent so many days ever thinking what I will wear as I have spent thinking before each of her birthdays and the endless choices does not help either- it only confuses me more.

So it really saddens this mother when you realize that your choices are no longer your daughter choices . At five, she has a mind of her own and she will make her own couture choices. So the days  you pick a frock from the wardrobe, it has to be floral skirts. The day you tell her to wear her jeans before she outgrows them, she looks for shorts in her cupboard.  Her father seems to love it - "my daughter has a mind and choice of her own. why do you need to bother so much? She will manage on her own." I repeated the same words a few days later when i saw him livid when an over excited neighbour met him in the elevator and mentioned that her son really likes his daughter and he came back furious.

But honestly right now is the phase to enjoy when you see her enjoying life - where all she bothers is about colours and fragrances. Sometimes seeing her grow up so fast makes you realize that as you trudge along Mondays and Tuesdays on one hand, time does fly in a jiffy on the other hand.

Kids Gemology

Kids Gemology:
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There has been a lot of cajoling and debating happening in our household to buy a new Barbie. Given the over 50+ collection that Nia has, its a strict no from my end at least to buy it considering they have been of no use so far lying in one shelf and to be dusted every fortnight. Here are some aggressive negotiation strategies being used.

Nia with a sullen look on her face walks up to me. "Mom - Sunaina, Nehal, Palak, Aashi are so lucky" ; I asked why ? " They don't have so many barbies so they don't have to plead ( yes that's the word used) with their mother to buy them one"

" Mamma most Barbies you bought for me when I was small. I did not buy them , you got them for me. So I should be allowed to choose my Barbie"

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Television can have all kinds of impact on the kids. Despite restrictive TV watching, the influence of Hindi dubbed cartoons have taken its toll. Recent example showed me the picture
"Mamma- Aadi ne mere  upar ILZAAM lagaya he ki maine uska car break kiya. Kya appko meri BEGUNAHI par Shaque hai " . Well, it took mom quick a while to get over the shock to actually go and be the peacemaker

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Sibling Rivalry at its peak  - Seeing the number of single kids around, my daughter comes back to me one day " " Mamma ,Aashi is so lucky. She does not have a brother. She can do whatever she wants and no one to trouble like aadi does". A worried me tried and explain how much fun is it to have a sibling and when everything failed, i blurted out that  when you grow up, you can go to Goa ( our recent vacation) with him alone in case mom and dad are both working and are not allowed holidays . She thought for a while and sulked " Now, I have to take him for holidays as well when I grow up, Aashi is really lucky" !

Working Women vs Working Men

On an ongoing debate at a coffee table as to why women are better than men at multi tasking, I was amazed how some of the men thought that we end up glorifying the role of a woman much more than what we end up doing. Now that was too much so I asked them a volley of questions for them to answer. Now since I am a full time professional, this was limited to the working women- working men debate. Its also limited to an Indian setting where House helps are around and hence as per men, we don't do most of the work ourselves and as part of the debate was pointed out to me that you have a driver, a cook, a nanny for kids and someone to clean the house and yet you claim that you do more work .
So here goes the argument

1. You don't manage house helps - Having house helps is of help only when you efficiently manage them. Its like having an extended team working for you and that too in your absence - virtual reporting for a large period. How they do and what they do if not monitored can leave your entire house in a chaos. Managing them, their egos, their desires is not easy especially when you know thats your support system. Any breakdown and the entire house comes down. It comes with a lot of stress as well. How are they keeping the kids? Are they being given proper meals? Is the hygiene being maintained - I must admit to at times not only checking but even smelling my kids clothes to ensure they are properly washed. This privilege comes with a lot of stress and ask any mother who keeps a house help- working or not working. Its the most difficult people management experience you will gather.

2. You don't get 5 missed calls from your house and then have a panic attack seeing them after a meeting only to call back and find that your 5 year old daughter wanted to know where a particular book is kept.

3. You don't have to decide and answer everyday as to what will be cooked and its gets challenging as the demand for something different emanates from all corners of the house.

4. You don't manage Birthday calendars and play dates especially during 2 months long summer vacations. Acknowledgements of invites, reminders in mobile phones a day before and arrange the logistics to get them dropped to the endless pizza huts ,MacDonald's and malls food courts ( why cant people be more creative when it comes to arranging parties for their kids ? that's for another day perhaps !).

5. You don't remember that Monday is skating day , Tuesday is swimming day , Wednesday is sports day and arrange respective stuff to be carried to school a day before.

6. You don't come back from work and then check your kids school diary on a daily basis, write notes for the teachers and make notes for yourself on the key dates in the month.

7. You don't spend at least 25% of your weekends pulling out winter clothes, dry cleaning them , putting them away and again getting them dry cleaned to manage the seasons we have here in north India

8. You do attend PTMs and ask some questions to the tutors but I bet half the time you would not even know the current topic being taught in the class.

9. You do spend time with kids reading out to them and playing but you don't bother whether their shelves
are dusted and the same books kept properly

10. You are not pulled by your children the moment you get down the car to keep your stuff aside and jump right into the park to play with them.

11. And you certainly don't get a frantic call from your child asking you to come on skype in the middle of the meeting because she wants to show the bruise her brother has given her right there and then and you cannot even explain office firewalls.

A note from your mother on Mother's day

I am a little agnostic to Mother's day or for that matter any other day. Well for one , this was never part of our growing up years ( Valentines and friendships days were in vogue) and my children are too young to have that as part of their celebrations.

So whats its like to be a mother? Oh ! We can find enough books, blogs, opinions on the same and I am not even going there. Its actually different for everyone. I haven't yet found one for myself for every new day is a discovery in itself. There are moments when you wish it could have come a little later in your life and there are days you cannot imagine your life otherwise. You fret, fume, cry, sulk, rejoice, love -do everything . So here's a note from me to the two sometimes angel, sometimes devils of my life.
Note 1:To Nia
We always wished for having a daughter and when you came, everything fell in place. Your dad sent text to all in the middle of the night signed off by your name saying you have entered our life. You are so like me and yet so unlike me. Gentle, frail and loving as ever, you are a toast of the family. Your love for art and music makes me feel like a celebrity mother considering I never had flair for one. You were born with a smile on your face and you carry that always.You have a mind of your own and an opinion. As i say often, you are an ideal child. You were so easy and non fussy to bring up that I actually thought raising children is the easiest thing to do. ( till your brother arrived). You are so much a daddy's girl but you are so much a mamma's darling as well. I love your non stop bantering in the evening sharing your girlie gossip in school and your admissions that you hate boys especially those in the neighbourhood who try to be your friends. You handle the pressures of being the elder sibling so well. I promise to do lesser experiments on you - pushing you to do all that I would have liked to do- from Tennis to Abacus to swimming.  If only, you can do with a little bit of less dominance on your younger brother who follows you like a little puppy as well as dad who has a reason for your any misadventure ( and thinks that its valid and logical as well). Love you darling for having you is such a blessing and a joy. There cannot be a better gift than you to me on mother's day forever
Note 2: To aadi
We were indifferent before you came but I was happy to see a boy for the family was complete. You landed and comparisons started with your sister- she is prettier, she started walking earlier than you. We were a little scared as you started speaking late but unlike your sister, you grew slowly in our hearts- mom, dad and nia. You are 180 degrees apart from your sister. I realized how difficult raising kids are only when you came. You are the little monster of the family. You keep us entertained and me physically active by making me run behind you all the time. Your special love for mom makes my heart swell with pride. If only, you can let me sleep in piece rather than moving cars all over me or if you can stop lying flat down in the middle of the corridor to get everyone's attention. But your endearing nature makes you the most popular guy in the neighbourhood. I have had strangers walking up to me mentioning how you will go and hug them. You make the family proud as unlike your mom, you chat more with grandparents on the phone compensating for her. I lover baby bear when you take my face in your hands forcing me to look at you while listening to you, when you lie next to me to sleep putting half of yourself on me or even your manifestation of stranger anxiety by hiding behind me. You made the family complete , You made us complete. Big hugs sunshine

Signing off with two of Mom's favorite picture

Cracking the code : Summer Vacations

Vacations and that too summer vacations have become a major area of contemplation for modern day parents. I don't even remember any planning and process for the same. Actually the children remain agnostic to the fact - its an extension of a holiday from a weekend of 2 days to that of 60 days , its the parents who have suddenly catapulted it to be an event that needs attention, planning and super perfect execution and the success metrics is how busy was your child during these holidays.

I will be honest. I have also given in to the this fad of new-age parents. I had a single child then and seeing the craze for summer camps and courses around for kids, I actually thought that leave aside being fashionable, if I  don't put my daughter in any one of these, it might impact her learning progress. The camps were teaching everything from yoga to dance to reading etc. I scrambled through multiple sites, got her into one of those only to find that even during these vacations , she was having a packed schedule. It actually suited me as i am a working mother. Its good to come back home to a child whose been busy - somewhere takes the mental pressure off your mind. But when I noticed her reluctance for the same and the fact that 15 days of these courses cannot get her to pick up a book and read or develop love for music., I stopped all of it. My son now 3 has not been to any summer camp and i don't intend to do it either.  My daughter attends piano lessons twice a week with 2 of her best friends for over a year now and she loves it.

But the challenge was not over yet. It had just begun. Like a super mom, i decided a big NO for summer camps but what to do now? Here's what we do during summer's over last few years
1. Plan a trip : Vacations memories are always of some fun trip or another. We ensure that we take good 10 days off  and plan a trip. My kids are yet to get exposed to lavish vacations in Swiss alps but like good old north indian parents that we are , they end up in Indian alps to beat the heat . Be it Nainital, Manali  or coorg, they have all been there. You can be a little innovative and indulgent here - choose an offbeat resort, plan some activities like nature walk and you will discover that bang in the middle of being at a typical Hill station during Indian summers, you can find your tranquility. A little planning here always helps.

2. Friends , Family & Fun : Often we plan a good day out for the kids. There are so many in the building that each family takes turn on a week day and we have at least once a week for next 5-6 weeks which is play dates in friends house. They dance, play, eat, sleep, fight, make up  - all together. last year, the girls- all of 4-5 years prepared a dance under supervision of one lady and then presented the same to all of us one evening over high tea. Similar to what we used to do. I felt such great joy - nothing any summer camp could give me.  We have family over for sometime if they can. Nothing like enjoying the days together - In one word, Vacations means chaos, chatter, bantering and getting pampered.

3. Food : Quiet hot afternoons of Indian summers has always been full of great food. From watermelons to ice creams to mangoes - all to beat the heat. A quick instruction to daily staff and personal supervision in the morning ensures that before I leave for work, the melons are cut , icecream preparations are complete ( yes, we do  give them home made icecream even if sometimes its mango juice made to freeze). The kids are home, a little bored and these little surprises brings them immense joy. Sometimes you can get a little creative and leave a note for them with chocolates

4. On their own: Vacations are to be on your own- laze around, play, dance, study whatever suits the child. A planned summer camp can help but only this much. Most of them get 25-30 kids in one class and of not much use. Remember as children, we enjoyed when we were with friends or family. An exciting camp can at best keep a child engaged for a week. More than that, its as good as going to school. The exorbitant fees they charge morally forces the parents in turn to force the child to attend such courses. I remember paying one such tuition fees for a private swimming lesson with a dedicated instructor for my daughter- Certain days when she did not feel like going, I was so livid with her as the money wasted pinches you.

Finally, as working professionals , we all yearn for vacations. We look back with nostalgia on those days. The irony is that for our own children, we end up having a different speak.

Weaving the social fabric

The story of  2 sisters confined in their house for 7 months and the debate on the role of society has been on for last 24 hours. I personally was horrified to hear about it. 2 women, educated, coming from a well educated nuclear family and in such appalling state. There is  a role society needs to play but there is  a role each one needs to play- we need to weave our own social fabric as well

My mother lost her father when she was just two years old and my grandmother just 21. She and my uncle actually grew up in her maternal household- a joint family with multiple cousin sisters and brothers. She believes that her aunt which whom she spent sometime is her second mom. In her own words, despite having no father, she never really missed him to be around only because she had a strong family around her.

We grew up in a nuclear family. But then the annual vacations ensured that we remained in touch. The social fabric my mom developed ensured that we remain interconnected with family at large. Most of us take pride in the strong family we come from where we remain connected to first cousins and beyond and not just immediate family. I don't think  all of us talk or meet so often but its so deeply interconnected that we all turn up in celebrations and in grief. In our case, it also got extended to some family friends and neighbours so while the aunt living in front of our house would have met me only twice in last ten years but she would know everything about me and I would also get briefed on the same whenever i visit home.

In our case, I have to work exponentially hard to weave that social fabric. The annual visits from/ to grandparents place is limited as people move places and both partners working. It gets all the more difficult in this age as every one is available in digital space- You don't need to write long letters - you can pick up the phone and talk and for younger ones, you know them real time via skype, facebook and more.  But this is fine with people like us- who have been part of both worlds and have our relationships rooted in the social fabric enough that these new accesses just manifests them in a different form. However what about our children- they cannot initiate relationships in the digital world- they need to know what it is like to have a security at the back of your mind that yes, there are parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, family friends whom I can go to if anything goes wrong. Some of the things which help in that context -
- Have a sibling for your child. This is not to say that people who have decided to have single child for their own reasons are not thinking about their child but believe me having your own brother or a sister 24*7 around you makes so much difference to you. You have a buddy and you are a team always. The sense of social security which we look for begins from here and it remains in times to come
- We are a protective parent generation. What if they get hurt in the park? what if the kids around are bully ? Let the maid play with them? The least we can do is make our children form and value relationships on their own. This can happen only when you let go of them a little. Let them play , fight, cry and make up. Its a joy to see when my daughter looking forward to her evening play time with some great friends she has made in the apartment building. They gate crash each other houses, spend time together and even attend activity classes together
- Get them to reach out to families - I have seen parents fretting over their children during weddings, family get togethers. Often on a visit to their home country or home towns, the children are left behind as parents complete their annual relatives meetings. Our children live anyways in a nuclear capsule - Its okay if they sleep late one night or getting tired. Our kids are packed at the back of the car and they travel with us wherever we go and whomever we meet. Best is to call people over to meet at home. Let them absorb the thrill like we used to have - So and So uncle and aunty will be coming for dinner tonight or evening tea will be at this ones place.

On a closing note, While there have been changes in the society. We are glad that people are minding their own business rather than putting their nose in neighbours affairs but we should also remember , the extent to which we are social or unsocial is something we decide and its one thing that gets passed on from generations - the way you have been brought up most of the time determines how will you be with family, friends and  society at large. So sometimes when we all get nagged by our parents to call aunt living far off or visit old family friends now settled in your city and we do it also reluctantly , its a social fabric we are weaving- something which will help us in times to come

Nutrition Board

This one was in the draft and much as I know , I will be reprimanded for yet another post on motherhood especially after the debate the last one led to , I was forced by my neighbour to post it . But sticking my neck out, I think all of you will like having a look at this one. Its also a way of having all thats in my mind at one place and I am surely going to take a print to keep it handy.

The prime thing on our mind about our children is their health- are they being brought up in a healthy way ? Whats the right nutrition for them? The enviornment is different than the one in which we have been brought up - the air , the water and the food is all different. This become especially difficult if you are working or you have a fussy eater at home. As a young mother, I relied on information I collected from mom, mom-in-law, aunts or friends but the best one has come from two peadiatricians I discovered when my son was born. They validated some of the age old wisdom passed onto me and negated some as well. He also made me have a mental chart of how to go about providing healthy nutrition to the child. I still struggle following it but I do try. Our kids will learn how to eat breads and rice for they are our staple diets but these habits need to be inculcated at an early age.

A word of caution: The items listed below are not a daily nutritious diet for your child but its actually a solution in case you are having a bad day with your child eating habits.

1. Try and give your child one egg, one fruit and couple of nuts. Nothing provides instant energy and esssential nutrients than these. On a bay day, a boiled egg to the child can always be considered a good alternative. Munching some nuts while waiting for the bus can be a good alternative as well.

2. Soups- vegetable or daal and fruit juices are easier to give to a child but should best be avoided if you can provide same ingredients in solid form. However you make, a soup will always have more of water filling up the childs stomach with much lesser ingredients.

3. Fruits and vegetables in most situations can be interchangeble as the vitamins and minerals both provide are similar except a few. So on a bad day, substitute those vegetables with Fruits.

4. Children like to have fruits when they see fruits as part of family eating habits. So ensure you sit and have a fruit with your child. Believe me, a week later , they will eat it like family lunch or dinner

5. Green vegetables do not have many interesting options of cooking esp since most nutrients are lost by the time they are cooked. The best is to chop them ( spinach etc) and add them in the dough of paranthas and chapatis. Beetroot etc can be boiled with potatoes and you can make pink cutlets for your darling fussy daughters.

6. Milk always becomes a bone of contention. The same can be substituted by milk products. Usually a cup of milk is equivalent to one cheese slice. So the day you see kids have not had 2 glasses of milk , quickly give them a paneer sandwich or like I do, open and hand over one cheese slice rathar than fussing over milk .

Hope you found them useful.

Obsession with Motherhood

Have been little laid back in writing a blog but thanks to few poking from friends decided to out fingers to keyboard ( surrogate for pen to paper). The topic I am going to touch upon can be a little controversial but a little introspection on it is worth a merit.
I have often noticed that most mothers like ourselves are getting consciously or unconsciously getting obsessed with motherhood to a very large extent. The power of social media has given ample opportunity to each one of us. Just think, most Facebook status updates from Young mothers are about their kids- be it school activities, a funny thing they said or even something to do with their eating habits. The pictures we upload are more to do with Kids than to do with the occasions. In a social party or office coffee conversations, its all around how we manage work life , maids and all things around our kids upbringing. So we not only fret and fume over our little ones all times as doting mothers, they have stepped into all our activities silently. If anyone today asks me " How was your weekend", I invariably begin with what I ended up doing with Kids ( though I might have done something else over the weekend). What makes it all the more amusing to me as I think through this that if we ask our children the same question on what they did over the weekend, I don't think time spent with mom will feature that prominently
I really don't have a reason for this . Its an observation I have been dabbling for a while. Social Media has virtually augmented it - You have mommy blogs dime a dozen capturing what their kids did or the numerous updates we see on Facebook everyday.
- Is it bad ? Absolutely not for fortunate are women who actually have the privilege of what it actually means owning a piece of yourself and grow in front of us.
- Does it over consume us ? I think yes- The superwomen we all are trying to become has somewhere forced us to make a picture of ourselves as mothers who can do anything and everything - The access to information on parenting has made us so conscious of being good mothers that we probably over do it at times.
- Were our mothers so consumed by their roles ? I don't think so. While they did spend a lot of time on us but their conversations varied about other things as well - from food prices to latest Household appliances in town to whose getting married to whom ? They probably never discussed what joke we cracked , what food we ate or for that matter what vacations we took. Somewhere they lived a more multi dimensional life than we all do.
However there is another perspective as well . We all live in a nuclear family- some of us very far from our near and dear ones. The liberated us have a " I don't care much " attitude for social obligations any which ways. The transitory life of work and place leave little time to interact with friends and neighbours . We all have acquired a lot of skills overtime - professionally and personally , we are diverse but what binds us all together is that we are mothers of some wonderful kids and we can relate to each other lives and each other stories only through this thread. The fact that some of you liked my posts is only because they somewhere touched upon your lives as mothers. In this world where real time is less and virtual connect is more, this common thread has brought us back together in a very strange fashion. To be honest, I like it when somewhere I can have a connect with a friend on something I spend most of my non working time - my children.

The questions are many- the answers still vague and I am lost between the two. But as they say, its always good to discover the other side. For this, you would need to move away from where we are. To begin this, I am going to ensure that I myself start writing on other topics of interest and if I continue to have that thread with most of you, It will be worth a discovery.

Which Mother is superior?- The debate continues...

I am probably the last one but have just read the article " why Chinese mothers are superior". I have heard its become a point of major debate across the world and like lot of people, i am tempted as well to comment on the article. But just as I am never interested in other people's take on someone else's work, why would anyone of you be ? Its like the multiple critiques we read while studying Macbeth in grade 12 and hated every bit of it. I am sure some of you would remember these lines from Macbeth - " Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air "- I could never imagine how can someone analyze these lines that our English teacher made us write 15 pages of different critics views on these. Would Shakespeare ever have thought of this while writing ? I don't think so. All poor chap did was to make them rhyme. Anyhow, that's not what I wanted to write. Back to the article.How many have read it ? and how many violently agree and disagree? We can take a poll later. However there's something which I have picked up from the article - " Why did Amy chua adapt this style of parenting " and secondly which is being fiercely debated " Is it right to be like this with your child"?
This has occurred to me recently but as women, we consciously or unconsciously end up becoming mothers as we have seen our own mothers to be ( unless of course due to some strong circumstances you deliberately try not to be her ). So the way you discipline your kids, the paranoia you have for "right " kind of food or the cleanliness fetish you have is a function of how much your own mother fretted over them on you or your siblings. In my case, I am a little easy on food - In our house, food was always good , delicious but we ate to live and not live to ate. However no matter how tired i am, the house has to be spic and span. Not a thing here or there. I cannot go to sleep peacefully if the house is not in right order - pretty much an influence of my mother who ensured whether you lived in a big or a small house , its always in a presentable stage for the guests. Not sure how many of you experienced this but the best bedsheets were out when guests were home and wrapped up immediately out when they were gone. The means were limited then with a single income family and I don't go to that extent probably but I still will have 2-3 new ones kept in the closet for occasions like a house party or a Diwali.
So if Amy chua talks about pushing her child for excellence, piano lessons at the cost of no play dates , she unconsciously manifested the environment she had been brought up by her own parents ( she even referred to her mother in that article) . Most of us might not goad our children to that extent but the middle class Indian genes will always force us to push our kids for excellence - we can these days be a little liberal to allow them to choose what they want to do BUT they better excel in it . In the same breadth, some of us also push our kids to be a ballet champ, a takewando expert, a pianist at a very young age - somewhere letting them fulfill the other life we only dreamt of as we struggled through years of academic work to achieve our parents ambition and be successful - get a good job and be financially independent. After all, it's difficult to not have an impression of something you see for a good 20-25 years of our lives.

So that's probably why we do what we do . However, Is that right ? - that's the second question and a difficult one. The opinions vary 180 degrees. A friend says that as mothers, we can never think bad of our child and hence if she disciplines them in certain fashion , that's only for their better future . In the same breadth, another one believes to let them find their own wings. I really don't have one as of now. I am so busy between work and home that I have never given it a serious thought. Here's though my 3 cents on this.
1. I firmly believe that as parents you need to show the way to your children- this includes being strict and talking straight. Being strict is easy - esp in this part of the world where child rights/ child abuse etc are still not in vogue but talking straight is the most difficult part. You cannot be too harsh in your fit of an anger neither can you sugar coat things. Its an art some of us need to consciously master. . If they have made a mistake or misbehaved, you need to tell them straight that some things are non negotiable. Its difficult but if you are consistent with it, it works - It definitely has on my stubborn and rebellious 2.5 years old son when all styles of text book parenting i tried on him failed.
2.Be Honest with your child - Children today have access to so much information - be it TV, friends or the Internet. We blindly believed what our parents told us till a certain age. Today kids can easily make out you are making a fool of them so in case you wish to share some opinion, information with them, be honest. Else, let them discover things on their own like most of us did. We never had our parents sat us down explaining the vagaries of life. We all figured it out ourselves and we have all turned out to be normal human beings.
3. Allow them to live their childhood - I once met my daughter's friends parents who proudly boasted that how their 4 yr old knows everything about solar system, life cycle and all possible facts of life . Its really good to know these things but imagine the poor child who now refuses to believe in any of the fairy tales her parents tell her. everything has a time and place. These years will never come - let them live in the world of Snowhite and Cinderella and continue to believe in angels and demons.
And lastly , such debates are healthy. They stimulate some thoughts in you which in an otherwise uni dimensional life that most of us live and hence should be welcomed with open minds. We can choose to agree, disagree or indifferent and as the title states ..the debate continues so so all are welcome to contribute